One week mid semester break fly by in a blink… I was too slow to react and by the time I realize, it is all gone. It has been a chaotic week and I end up doing nothing productive… I’m very demoralized with my studies and am contemplating about myself, doubting my capability again… I just don’t get the Intro to Computer Security. I need help but I don’t know who can I go to. Downright demoralizing. I have 2 webdesign that I need to settle and all I want to do is sleep and not wake up. I have a test on Thursday and I foresee that my Tuesday will be dreaded again. There are tonz of stuff that I need to read up. I have no mood in really handling my projects. I just wish to escape from everything and disappear.
At times I just wish I know what I am doing. I just need to be able to grasp at something. Need to feel real and solid again… All I could feel now is empty and invisible. Tryin hard to keep myself awake and not succumb to Sleep… Though it’s hard with all the yawning and the evil whisper trying to convince you that it is ok to sleep for a while… There are just too many things that are going through my mind… But time is the luxury that I do not have to have them all sorted out and untangled. If it is possible, I just want to go somewhere out of my life, perhaps a beach or what, just live my life carefree with the gentle breeze blowing.
The weather lately is killing me. My sweaty palms and feet are all back haunting me day and night.
Is happiness such a difficult state to attain? I just want to be happy. I just want to be able to know what I want to do and take every step towards it. I am not even asking to reach the happiness state straight away without having to work hard for it, but at least, I need to know where I am heading to and that I am able to reach there. I need to know what steps to take next like how I used to do. But now, I am in the middle of nowhere. Not knowing what to do next or where to go or even what do I want in life. Ultimately, everyone just want to be happy, but as of now, I am really unsure of what defines happiness. To me happiness now is to avoid my work as much as I can even for just one minute more. Crazy, I know. But that’s how desperate I am now.
Let me just spend my precious few hours till reality hits me hard again. Till then, wish that you are happy and that you are on your way to your great happiness.
