I think I have problem controlling myself lately. I know I am more and more depressed compared to how I used to be. And I found out a new problem. I’m getting furious very easily and I could feel the blood rages to my brain. It happened first time during the CNY, then after the restaurant incidents, and a few more times after that. My mum is worried that I might have high blood pressure like my dad. I’m worried also because everytime the blood rages, I would feel dizzy and unwell. I know I should control my temper and emotions, but things had been real shitty lately. I’m behind my studies and my tutorials and labs are crushing me to an end that I could back off no further. Just like I’m being cornered to a dead end at a back alley and there are no escape out of it.
I’ve been thinkin of giving up for I really don’t see myself going on with it. But after some thoughts, I realized, I’ve given up so many things in my life to come here to NUS. I must make it happened no matter what. I cannot give up just like that when I haven’t even try to strive till the end. I’m high on spirit now, but after all the lectures, tutorials and lab, I doubt I can still be as focus as this. This sem really is burning me out. I felt very very stressed and I’m afraid that it might led me to depression. People might think that I’m just saying it and things are not as bad as I said. But I see that my problem isn’t as simple as what people see. I’m afraid that I might colapse without the help that I need. The thing is, nobody can help me but only me myself can. That’s why it has really been hard for me. I don’t feel like coming back when i’m back at home, when I’m back here, I don’t feel like waking up to go to school. Not because of laziness, but the stress and panic when sitting inside the Lecture Theatre not knowing what on earth is the lecturer talkin about where everyone else could nod to everything the lecturer says, sitting inside the Tutorial Room with no contribution as I know nothing enough to contribute at all or sitting in the Lab, seeing people keep on raising their hands for the tutor to come check for their circuits and have their diagram all ready while I don’t even know where to start.
I really wonder whether have I made the wrong decision to come in the first place. I insisted that this will be a new life that would make things better for me. But eversince I’m here, things only got worse. Programming doesn’t ring a bell to me like computer does. I flunked my Accounting when it is my best subject. My english is not good enough to get me around. I don’t understand what’s going on. I felt so lost every now and then. One moment I could see hope as if the first flare of ray of sun at the break of dawn but another moment I could sunk as low as I’m being sucked into a quicksand, reaching out helplessly for someone that would pull me out of it.
When I go back for CNY, I really felt safe and secure at home and with my old friends. But when I’m back here, I felt that I’m exposed to things that threaten to crush me down. This semester is very very critical to me. If i flunk it, then there won’t be any future with me and i have to bear with the sucky grade even though I know it’s impossible to make things better. Pray hard for me all my dear friend before my life drift away….
for me, ur just home sick.
once u go back to b.gajah, it’s like a heaven for yea..just like mine
Comment by sy — February 6, 2006 @ 18:15
dude… I no longer go back to bg lar… I stay at Ipoh eversince I go to ACS in August.
Comment by blacklighter — February 6, 2006 @ 18:18
hey hang on k. u’re not alone. =)
Comment by chungyee — February 6, 2006 @ 18:19
yeah, just hang in there. everyone’s feeling the same way as u do. like u said, no one could help u but urself. so u gotta stay strong. MIND OVER MATTER yan. MIND OVER MATTER.
Comment by susan — February 8, 2006 @ 15:38
hey gal… don’t give up on urself!!! you know you can do it..i know you can do it! do take care of yourself.. shit happens all the time.. and if you believe in yourself, you’ll do well! forget about what other people are doing …just concentrate on ur own stuff and believe u can do it..slowly but surely u’ll get there. do take care
Comment by billygal — February 9, 2006 @ 09:27
sorry, forgotten ur in ipoh dy!
Comment by sy — February 10, 2006 @ 10:56
Hey Yan Yan, one of the paragraph in your post, reminded me of last sem. I think I can feel for you when you said that no one would understand what it’s like to feel that way. It really isn’t just a little stress or so. Last sem I felt the same, and no one understood it (or even know it, i’m sure) For me, I was all angry, frustrated, sad and lost at the same time. I was doing math, something that I thought I’d be able to enjoy but everyday I go to class understanding almost nothing and see no relevence in a single thing. angry at myself for choosing he wrong path, sad because it’s so hard to better things, frustrated because i was stuck in it, and other options were not available to me… i don’t think i can easily console you in this.. but i know you are strong, not giving up is already a testament to that.
Comment by kopi — February 11, 2006 @ 13:27
cyee : sigh… i just felt like hanging myself more than i could hang on there.
sue : mind doesnt work anymore… sucky!
billygal : hey, thanks alot. but my exam today is screwed also.
sy : teruk lar, I stay where also u dunno…
kopi : but u r off the hook now. U r in something that you can understand and see your future in there. I don’t see anything. I’m not trying to be negative here but i’m getting weaker and weaker. Worse after today’s exam. Urgh!
Comment by blacklighter — February 18, 2006 @ 23:06
Yo! Lawrence here. Remember me? I was from ST. Friends with Xian Ming aka Josh Hah. Computer Club. Hope u remember
Anyway, it’s normal. Life is tough when u r out there, away from home, fending for urself. Just hang on a lil while longer and everything would be alright. Analyze wats wrong and think of solutions, dun ponder about the problems. Your closes ally would be your friends over there, especially the academic ones.
Btw, i’m in cyberjaya now - Multimedia University. Buzz me if u wan, larrygoh84 @ ym!
Comment by Larry — February 19, 2006 @ 11:24
i see many ppl around me do their asgmts w/out copy+paste. duno y my members copied bulat bulat frm the net and passed it to me!
Comment by sy — February 20, 2006 @ 12:27
Life goes on no matter what..Gambateh! Have faith in yourself..
Comment by weizhi — February 26, 2006 @ 16:43
Your experience is not unique. Emotions is very fickle but life ups and down don’t have to depend on it.What is important is to believe that you have done your best an dalsoto do the right thing…
Comment by Steffy — March 1, 2006 @ 16:16
my msn * masked *
Comment by weizhi — March 7, 2006 @ 17:23