I think I have problem controlling myself lately. I know I am more and more depressed compared to how I used to be. And I found out a new problem. I’m getting furious very easily and I could feel the blood rages to my brain. It happened first time during the CNY, then after the restaurant incidents, and a few more times after that. My mum is worried that I might have high blood pressure like my dad. I’m worried also because everytime the blood rages, I would feel dizzy and unwell. I know I should control my temper and emotions, but things had been real shitty lately. I’m behind my studies and my tutorials and labs are crushing me to an end that I could back off no further. Just like I’m being cornered to a dead end at a back alley and there are no escape out of it.

I’ve been thinkin of giving up for I really don’t see myself going on with it. But after some thoughts, I realized, I’ve given up so many things in my life to come here to NUS. I must make it happened no matter what. I cannot give up just like that when I haven’t even try to strive till the end. I’m high on spirit now, but after all the lectures, tutorials and lab, I doubt I can still be as focus as this. This sem really is burning me out. I felt very very stressed and I’m afraid that it might led me to depression. People might think that I’m just saying it and things are not as bad as I said. But I see that my problem isn’t as simple as what people see. I’m afraid that I might colapse without the help that I need. The thing is, nobody can help me but only me myself can. That’s why it has really been hard for me. I don’t feel like coming back when i’m back at home, when I’m back here, I don’t feel like waking up to go to school. Not because of laziness, but the stress and panic when sitting inside the Lecture Theatre not knowing what on earth is the lecturer talkin about where everyone else could nod to everything the lecturer says, sitting inside the Tutorial Room with no contribution as I know nothing enough to contribute at all or sitting in the Lab, seeing people keep on raising their hands for the tutor to come check for their circuits and have their diagram all ready while I don’t even know where to start.

I really wonder whether have I made the wrong decision to come in the first place. I insisted that this will be a new life that would make things better for me. But eversince I’m here, things only got worse. Programming doesn’t ring a bell to me like computer does. I flunked my Accounting when it is my best subject. My english is not good enough to get me around. I don’t understand what’s going on. I felt so lost every now and then. One moment I could see hope as if the first flare of ray of sun at the break of dawn but another moment I could sunk as low as I’m being sucked into a quicksand, reaching out helplessly for someone that would pull me out of it.

When I go back for CNY, I really felt safe and secure at home and with my old friends. But when I’m back here, I felt that I’m exposed to things that threaten to crush me down. This semester is very very critical to me. If i flunk it, then there won’t be any future with me and i have to bear with the sucky grade even though I know it’s impossible to make things better. Pray hard for me all my dear friend before my life drift away….